Bradezone

Look, I’ve got no beef with Greenville, generally speaking. But what in the wide world of sports is the deal with our electrical infrastructure in this town? Every stinking time a rain cloud comes through, not only do massive wads of the city lose power, but the traffic lights on MAJOR ROADS routinely malfunction. When is the last time I have cruised down East North Street during rainy weather with the traffic signals operating normally? WRONG! It was a trick question, the answer is NEVER. And once you hear the crack of thunder, you can forget it, brother. Cars piloted by oblivious ne’er-do-wells will be flying through intersections as if they are avoiding roadside missile launchers.

The situation has become a complete joke. Greenville desperately needs to get its act together and improve our ability to sustain the mildest of summer storms without becoming the prototype for post-apocalyptic turmoil. All we need is ominous blue light throughout the city to complete the effect, but unfortunately that would require electricity, something we’re not great at producing in adverse conditions (if you define “adverse” as “not perfect”).

Perhaps one problem is the overabundance of traffic lights that need power. Witness the fact that 80% of the signals on East North are blatantly unnecessary and may actually include several private driveways (this data is currently unconfirmed). I advise getting rid of these lights and instituting a more sane solution that involves posting STOP signs at insignificant side streets. Seriously, what have some of these roads done to merit their own traffic signals, and why do they so often generate red lights for the main traffic on East North? I realize that 90% of the residents in this town prefer a driving pace somewhere between “leisurely” and “clinically dead,” but some of us tend to prefer a more efficient approach to travel.

I have said my piece. Now I challenge you, Greater Greenville Area, to step up to the plate and generate a solution. HINT: see previous paragraph for tips on a possible solution.

Even now I feel the sting of defeat. Oh sure, I won my ESPN fantasy basketball league handily—an impressive feat given my previous lack of success with this particular sport. ESPN will be mailing me a t-shirt for my efforts, probably by the time we are using automated hover-cars for transport. But never has winning a fantasy sports league felt so empty. You see, I managed to finish 4th overall in the universe on ESPN’s final leaderboard. This would rank me squarely outside consideration for the major prizes, bestowed solely upon the top 3 players. So any hopes of winning $500, $1100, or even $3000 flew out the window the moment the NBA regular season ended.

Oh, but it gets worse. For those of you familiar with rotisserie leagues, you know that each team earns points based on how well the actual players do in the actual statistical categories of the sport. As you can see, my team’s weakest category was free throw percentage, in which I trailed the next player by 13/10000th of a point. Yes, lucky number .0013 indeed. If I had managed to squeak out the victory in this lone category by simply hitting a handful more free throws, not only would I have ranked in the top three overall, I would have WON THE WHOLE FREAKING SHOW. Not that I am bitter or disappointed or bitterly disappointed, or what not.

Anyway, if you check out my team stats and decide that it deserves some sweet loot, you are more than free to tap that friendly Paypal button on my site and let me know your feelings via cash. In the meantime, I would like to thank Shawn Marion, Vince Carter, Pau Gasol, Marcus Camby, Carlos Boozer, Lamar Odom, Chauncey Billups, Ricky Davis, Jason Richardson, Mo Williams, and the other bit-players for their magnificent efforts. But man, y’all need to learn to hit some free throws.

No, I haven’t committed a felony homicide. A friend of mine shot a movie by this title recently, and I have a plum role. It’s a five-minute short film that he submitted to the upcoming Fox reality show On the Lot. So watch, enjoy, tell all your friends, and get ready for Fatt Misher to take the movie industry by storm. Yeah.